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How to Get Your Piece of the 700 Billion Bailout, Jobs For All

Damn the banks, damn the Wall Street traders, damn the Fed, damn them all…damn every last single voice of negativity that want us to believe that the economic good times are over. I don’t believe a single word of it. Things aren’t that bad, in fact, since I discovered this new web site called “GovernmentContractsforAll” I am convinced, more than ever, that our ship has just rolled in. Don’t believe me; check out some of these opportunities.


The US government is offering contracts to any printers or counterfeiters who feel qualified enough to reproduce $100 bills at a rate of 5 million dollars per hour. Apparently, banks in desperate need of cash will not accept money transfers from the Fed. They don’t believe the government is good for the funds. As a result of this request for cash, the US Mint will not be able to meet the increased demands for cash from the banks. In fact, demand for cash is so strong sources in the government predict that any Tom, Dick or Harry with experience working a Xerox machine have a fair to good chance of landing a contract.


Moving around billions of cash requires some serious equipment. In a stampede, similar to the Alaskan gold rush, truckers, the country over, are applying for government contracts to haul the cash to the banks. “We haven’t seen demand like this in the trucking industry since the Clintons cleaned out the White House and Airforce One,” one independent trucker gleefully claimed.


Hauling large amounts of cash is relatively easy when compared with the nightmare scenarios associated with providing security for such a valuable payload. In a move reminiscent of the Wild West, the Fed has hired thousands of independent security contractors to protect the freshly printed cash. One contractor, Billy Bob Dean from Appalachia, proudly displayed his new security uniform issued by the Fed. “They gave us these fancy new outfits with flak jackets and a baseball hat,” he said. “but they didn’t give us guns,” he sadly continued. “We had to bring our own.”

Safe Construction

The banks have a problem. No, not the lack of liquidity, but something much more important. Space. All of that cash will require new safes. Those little stainless steel rooms you see in you local bank aren’t going to cut it. “Safe’s the size of warehouses will have to be built,” a leading safe manufacturer reported to the Fed yesterday. The government, understanding the sheer magnitude of the problem ordered that all bank buildings in the United States be demolished immediately. In there place, gigantic stainless steel structures will be erected and polished every second week. For the safe manufacturers and airport shoe buffers this development represents boundless opportunity. Jerry Lee Sikes, a local shoe buffer in Chicago, announced to his regular clientele yesterday, that he was getting out of the shoe shine business and into the safe shine business. “I can make twice as much polishing stainless steel safes,” he proudly announced. “It’s time for me to move on.”

Body Builders

As a result of the demand for muscle to move the cash into the safes, the government has rescinded its ban on steroids. “Look, the situation is desperate,” a well know senatorial staffer said. “We need the feet on the ground and testosterone running through the veins. It would be hypocritical of us to expect the participants in this contract to meet the necessary physical standards through natural means in such a short amount of time. Therefore we had to legalize steroids.”

As you can see, the opportunities are endless. So don’t sell me this bull that the 700 billion dollar bailout is bad for America. It’s the best thing that happened to our economy since World War II. So get on the stick and start thinking outside of the box, start thinking about how you can help, or more importantly prosper from the 700 billion dollar bailout.