Top Ten Least Publicized Financial Bail-Out Ideas
Please madam, can you spare a few hundred billion?
Brainstorming the Big Rescue
Now that the $700 billion bail-out package proposed by Henry Paulson has been not passed and then passed by Congress, and not supported and then supported and then not supported again by almost everybody else; it has become increasingly clear that that bail-out package no longer even matters anymore.
That bail-out package is so two weeks ago!
Since that first frantic plea by Paulson to, “Give me $700 billion NOW or the economy gets it!” the economy has, well, gotten it.
Two trillion in stock market losses in just two weeks.
So governments around the world are now on to bigger and even crazier bail-out plans, even as I write this. For instance, just a few days ago Ben Bernanke quietly pumped $500 billion directly into the banks and gave another $39 billion to AIG. Congress (while nobody was paying any attention) gave $25 billion to the Detroit auto industry. John McCain promised to give $300 billion to rework individual mortgages by buying them high and taking a loss when moving them low (thanks taxpayers!) but only if he gets elected, and the U.S. government recently announced that maybe it will just take over the banks. It isn’t sure yet; it’s just a thought…
And we’re just gettin’ warmed up!
Not to worry though. The original $700 billion rescue package is still in the works, and eventually Hank Paulson and his team of intrepid Wall Street investment bankers really will get around to buying up some toxic securities at some kind of price, we don’t know what kind or when or how–but we do know for sure that once he starts doing that, something will happen or it won’t.
The thing is, we have to trust him. He’s on it.
Meanwhile, Rome seems to be burning and no one has even fired up a fiddle yet.
So I thought it would be cool, in the spirit of good old Yankee ingenuity, to list some of this week’s most popular and least publicized economic bail-out ideas. I mean it’s clear that whoever is in charge of this show has temporarily lost the remote control, so maybe we can all help get the country (and the world) back on track by pitching in. What are YOUR ideas for a good bail-out?
Here without any more delay, are ten of mine. Feel free to add your own.
Your country needs YOU!
I like long walks on the beach and wads of money!
#10 The Virtual United States of America
People are so judgmental sometimes. “You can’t run an economy on debt alone,” they complain, and “People in the U.S. spend money they don’t have,” and “The war in Iraq has already cost us nearly a trillion dollars and we aren’t one whit safer as a result.” And so on and so forth.
Bitch, bitch, bitch…
You know, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being completely delusional about money and life and consequences, you just have to do it online!
If the United States joined an internet dating site, it would have it made in the shade. Debt could be profit, up could be down, war could be peace. You just have to keep it all virtual.
The U.S. doesn’t have to bail itself out, it just has to create an online profile for itself in which it is slim, prosperous, witty, and well-dressed. The United States will be blonde in this profile, and it will have the goal of, “…helping other nations to achieve world peace and also learning sign language and working with underprivileged children.” The United States will smile a lot and wear lipstick.
The United States will get lots of e-mails from 50-year-old lechers in stained t-shirts who don’t shave and are unemployed. But, it will look totally hot.
#9 The US of MLM $100K a Day Passive Income Bail-Out
I don’t really understand how Wall Street got us into this mess with tricky investments when any fool can just slap up a website and make $100K a day while playing Grand Theft Auto and eating Ding Dongs. I mean, geez, do we have to teach these stockbrokers everything?
The United States should take that $700 billion and buy up 700 million domain names, then slap up 700 million longtail keyword niche articles with good product placement, and before the day is out, they will be delivering Continue reading